Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 10, 2014 5:54pm-6:27pm PST

5:54 pm
♪ (eagle caw) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody! thank you so much! (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much! (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) you're the heros! you're the people doing this, not me! (cheers and applause)
5:55 pm
folks, thank you so much for being here. folks, you know, i really need -- thank you for that energy because i need it because, folks, i gotta tell ya, i come to you tonight a shaken man. because recent revelations have proven that the american people were systematically and repeatedly lied to. for more, let's go to my colleague brett baier. >> last night was the big night, the airing of the discovery channel's eaten alive, where a man offered himself up to be consumed by an anaconda. many viewers found the payoff tough to swallow. >> turns out the snake sort of put his mouth around his head and the guy tapped out, pull me out, pull me out, and that was it. >> 70 minutes into the show, rosolie tapped out saying the snake was about to break his arm. so he was not eaten alive, not even a scratch. >> stephen: for shame, discovery channel!
5:56 pm
you promised paul rosolie would be eaten! hence the title "eaten alive ." but you only gave us "cuddled alive"! that's just snake first base. and i'm not the only one angry. twitter tweeted, "next time i watch something called #eatenalive, somebody better get eaten alive." and "this guy had one job. literally one (bleep) job to get eaten alive and he (bleep) it up." (cheers and applause) it's outrageous! now, as angry as i am, discovery did have a cogent response. "paul created this challenge to get maximum attention for one of the most beautiful and threatened parts of the world, the amazon rain forest." true. there's no better way to bring attendance to the amazon rain forest than to cover yourself in pig's blood and climb into a snake's mouth. you see that, you think, "man, we gotta save those trees." just like the best way to save
5:57 pm
our oceans is to put on some flippers and bone a narwhal not easy in such cold water. (laughter) folks, with only six shows left, it is time to say -- (awwww) >> stephen: i know, i see that in the mirror every morning. it's time to say goodbye to classic "the colbert report" segments. "threatdown," "cheating death," "where are my glasses?" we only did that segment once. they were in my car. welcome to obama's america. (laughter) tonight, i present the last better know a district. (cheers and applause) over the years, i've interviewed only 81 members of congress. still, 81 out of 434 is pretty good.
5:58 pm
i think that's every remaining democrat. over the years, i've fenced with marcia fudge, skate boarded with jackie speier, leg-wrestled jason chaffetz, tossed salmon with jim mcdermott, drank beer with russ carnahan, shotgunned beer with dan maffei, funneled beer with jared polis, and dropped acid with maurice hinchey. (laughter) (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i don't see why congress can't get anything done. and tonight, we end by returning to the first congressman i ever republican jack kingston of georgia's first district. jim? congressman. thanks for talking to me today. it's good to see you again.
5:59 pm
>> it's good to be back. >> stephen: for those who may not know, in 2005, you were the very first member of the house of representatives to be better known by me. >> yes. >> stephen: you were my first congressman. you know what they say about the first. it's over much quicker than you thought and afterwards there's a lot of weeping. (laughter) but i want you to know, i'm very grateful you introduced me to the world of congress. >> it's a great honor for me and for my district. >> stephen: not that it matters, but have you been better known by anybody else since? we're not committed to each other, you can be better known by anyone you want. >> i have known others, stephen. >> stephen: i want you to know, i have, too, and i'm supposed to tell you that i have chlamydia. my doctor said i'm supposed to give you this pamphlet. chlamydia is not a flower. read this and call everybody else you've congressed with.
6:00 pm
you want to get checked out. >> i know i was your first, was i your favorite? >> stephen: of course. of course. (laughter) congressman -- congressman jack kingston, i knew that. tell me about the fighting first. still number one? >> yeah, four military installations, spire coast of georgia, great tourism, great port. >> stephen: your district contains savannah. tell us a little bit about your town. >> savannah was founded in 1733 by -- >> stephen: that's enough. thank you. all right. congressman, do you recognize this woman? >> no. >> stephen: okay. that's interesting because you co-sponsored h.r.-1815, the lena horne recognition act, and yet you don't recognition lena horne. yet you voted to recognize her.
6:01 pm
>> i think that the purpose of the legislation was to recognize the good things she has done. >> stephen: such as? lena horne -- >> stephen: yeah? i just remembered who she is. >> stephen: yeah. he died about two years ago, right? >> stephen: yeah. my image of her is the heavier woman of later years. >> stephen: yeah. i wouldn't recognize that picture. >> stephen: yeah. all right. quick follow-up. do you recognize this woman? >> no. >> stephen: this is also lena horne. when she's older. about the age you said you would recognize her. and you don't recognize her again. >> i gave lena my best. >> stephen: do you know one of her songs? >> not off the top of my head. ♪ don't know why there's no sun up in the sky ♪ ♪ stormy weather
6:02 pm
>> you have a very pretty voice. >> stephen: thank you. you have lovely hands. (laughter) let's talk about the elephant in the room. you're no longer going to be the elephant in the room. this is your last year in congress and my last season of this show. i am leaving my show because i won television. did you win congress? >> well, i tried to run for the senate. >> stephen: how did that go? did not go well. >> stephen: okay. do you have something you want to do next? >> not certain. >> stephen: you and i should do something together. we could open up a halloween store. something like that. those make serious coin. >> well, actually, i'm going to miss the opportunity of affecting legislation and trying to build a better america. >> stephen: when it comes to tax policy, you have said that the proposed reduction on the -- i'm sorry. let me try that again. okay. now, when it comes to tax policy
6:03 pm
and specifically the proposed reductions to the caps on capital gains -- i -- i -- i don't care anymore. i'm sorry. i just -- blah, blah, blah... after nine years and 82 of these, i'm tired of asking these questions. >> and i'm tired of answering them. >> stephen: nobody ever has any fun up here! let's get the hell out. >> let's go. >> stephen: high five. (cheers and applause) ♪ school's out for summer ♪ school's out forever ♪ no more teachers teachers ♪
6:04 pm
♪ no more pencils ♪ no more books ♪ no more teacher's dirty looks ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ well, we got no class ♪ and we got no principles ♪ and we got no innocence ♪ we can't even think of a word that rhymes ♪ ♪ school's out for summer ♪ school's out forever ♪ school's been blown to
6:05 pm
pieces ♪ (whistle blowing) ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, congress, thanks for the memories! it's been great to better know you a little bit better! shall we? ♪ school's out for summer ♪ school's out forever >> stephen: let's put every district up on the big board! whoo! (cheers and applause) oh, hey, hey! this whole time it was a map of the united states!
6:06 pm
(laughter) we'll be right back! ♪ get to the terminal across town. are all the green lights you? no. it's called grid iq. the 4:51 is leaving at 4:51. ♪ they cut the power. it'll fix itself. power's back on. quick thinking traffic lights and self correcting power grids make the world predictable. thrillingly predictable. just take a closer look. it works how you want to work. with a fidelity investment professional... or managing your investments on your own. helping you find new ways to plan for retirement. and save on taxes where you can. so you can invest in the life that you want today. tap into the full power of your fidelity greenline.
6:07 pm
call or come in today for a free one-on-one review. miller invented lite beer, and that changed everything. great taste deserved great packaging, which led to new packaging, improved packaging, and ultimately, too many improvements. which led us back to our original look. miller lite we invented lite beer, you're welcome. what happened? did they get him? [remote chime] ...gotta go...let's go... ♪ [berenson] yeah... we're almost at the pickup. i'll call when they're in the air.
6:08 pm
falling behind you. sound of a tree [thump] did the sound bar make the sound? w...who has done somethingear.. .special. give them the gift for those who fly beyond.
6:09 pm
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. yeah, c'mon! welcome back! nation... nation, as you know, "the colbert report" goes off the air next thursday. (audience reacts) >> stephen: no, no, it's all right. no, no, no, no... so what the critics said when i started this show is finally true -- it won't last more than a couple weeks. (laughter) fortunately, there's still time to praise me. in fact, this morning, my doctor told me my cholesterol was off the chart! (laughter) this is who's honoring me now. ♪ (cheers and applause) tonight's honoring of me now comes from entertainment weekly because i'm on the cover!
6:10 pm
(cheers and applause) in fact, i'm on the three different covers! (cheers and applause) yes, i have been transformed into legolas gandalf and bilbo to celebrate the release of the final film in the hobbit trilogy -- "the battle of the five armies." and i'm doing this for a very good reason -- entertainment weekly asked me if i wanted to guess dress up like middle earth people, and i said, "uh, yeah." (cheers and applause) and my transformation was truly something to behold. these are time lapses of me getting into costume for the cover of entertainment weekly. i'm stoked. ♪ oh, god, this is perfection. (cheers and applause)
6:11 pm
>> yes, yes! >> stephen: you shall not pass! excuse me. excuse me. you there on the bridge. you shall not pass, okay? read the sign -- no passing. thank you. i will call security if you try to pass. thank you very much. and inside, there are more amazing photos of me as the characters in action shots. like this one where gandalf is at starbucks. what's he drinking? chi foo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the issue -- the issue also -- (cheers and applause) the issue also features my interview with peter jackson which is chock full of directorial insight, like when
6:12 pm
peter jackson says to me, "i hadn't really thought about that, but you're right." my issue hits the news stands tomorrow. buy a copy to find out what i was right about -- this time. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ hi, can you take our picture, please. oh, of course! vo: meet maggie. smile! woah, this takes really good pictures! vo: maggie wants some hands-on experience. hands-on experience...with samsung. but she's been going about it all the wrong way. i have? yeah, you have. vo: luckily for maggie, there is a place for her to touch, try and play with all of the devices she's been dying to get her hands on. the samsung experience shop, only at best buy. ♪
6:13 pm
to help spread some holiday cheer. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time; and 2% back at the grocery store. thank you! even before they got 3% back on gas, all with no hoops to jump through, a couple was inspired to use their bankamericard cash rewards credit card to throw the ultimate ugly sweater party of the season. that's the spirit of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you. if every driver in the u.s. kept here's a qtheir car's you: tires properly inflated, how many gallons of fuel could america save each year? up to 2 billion gallons? 4 billion? 6 billion? the answer is... up to 4 billion gallons. by keeping your tires properly inflated, you can increase your car's fuel economy and reduce its co2 emissions. take the energy quiz -- round 2. energy lives here.
6:14 pm
pizza hut just made their biggest menu change ever, so were in italy to get the opinions of the experts. so argentina, are you ready to change pizza? no! they've redefined pizza with six bold sauces and ten new crust flavors.
6:15 pm
this not pizza! it's pretty cool that there are over twenty new ingredients, right franco? too many. oh do you like the salted pretzel crust? it's good! i know! oh! get a pair of pizzas, a new one or an old favorite, for six ninety-nine each. the flavor of now menu. get it at pizza hut dot com.
6:16 pm
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight stars in the film adaptation of "into the woods," as "the baker." i hope there's some hard-core frosting. please welcome james corden! (cheers and applause) ♪ hey, james! good to see you again! >> nice to have you on! i'm a big fan! >> thank you very much. >> stephen: you are for the people who don't know a tony award-winning actor, writer, comedian, you starred an gabby on the bbc which is a great
6:17 pm
show. the big news is people are -- is that you're taking over the "late late show" on cbs starting in march. >> this is true. >> stephen: wow! incredible. good for you, man. (cheers and applause) >> thank you very much. >> stephen: i have to say, though, following david letterman, that must be intimidating. >> yeah. >> stephen: you must have some balls! luckily i'm an hour later. so god help that guy. >> stephen: yeah. people who are really worried about it are the networks. >> stephen: yeah. i do 160 shows a year. how many shows have you done on television? >> about eight. (laughter) >> stephen: the bbc model. you have eight and three years to do them, right? >> yeah, i'm finished before i start. (laughter) >> stephen: if i could get you advice, get sleep now. >> okay. >> stephen: because i have been doing this show for nine years and my body is burning my
6:18 pm
teeth for fuel. all right? >> all right. >> stephen: you're going to have such a good time. when does it start? >> march. it will be every night of the week. >> stephen: yeah! it's going to be fantastic! >> it's going to be a complete disaster, let's be clear. >> stephen: no, here's what you will like about it. i'm getting out of the game, but this is what you're going to like about it is if you think of something that day you will see whether people like it that night. >> when i was in a play a woman with two governors, you're working till 7:30, the audience, the guys selling the tickets, the people, the crew, and when it's gone, it's gone. you can't celebrate your hits or worry about your misses, there is another show the next day and i'm looking foashed to that
6:19 pm
consistency. >> stephen: you're also an accomplished actor. you have a serious movie "into the woods." >> yes. >> stephen: did you always like sondheim? >> i think he's the greatest living composer and lyricist in the world. >> stephen: he's our shakespeare. >> i think he's incredible. >> stephen: he's our shakespeare. he's an american. your shakespeare has been dead a long time. we have a living shakespeare. >> yeah. >> stephen: you're doing it with some serious people, too. >> yeah. >> stephen: johnny depp's in there, meryl streep's in that. meryl streep -- >> yeah. >> stephen: my god, what's it like to act with meryl streep? that must be intimidating. what's it like? >> it's terrifying. it's a constant feeling of trying to thinketh very ordinary you might just be acting with meryl streep.
6:20 pm
it's a bit how i am now, i'm sitting here pretending this is an ordinary thing to do where, inside, i'm, like, oh, my god! i'm on "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tonight, when your show starts, i have free time when this thing is over, can i come on your show? >> i would love you to come. it would be amazing. (applause) >> stephen: let's talk about your love of singing. have you been a singer a long time? >> the first musical when i was 17 was a musical on the second end. it's based on the story of martin gay. it was a terrible show, a disaster. but i've always loved musicals. >> stephen: i've worked with mr. sondheim. he sent me a letter saying i
6:21 pm
have a perfect voice for musicl theater. i have a letter, and he can't take it back even after he heard me sing. do you want to do a little song together? (cheers and applause) let's so a christmas carol. what do you like? >> have your self a merry little christmas. ♪ have yourself a merry little christmas ♪ ♪ may your heart be light ♪ from now on our troubles will be out of sight ♪ ♪ through the years we all may be together ♪ ♪ if fate allows ♪ hang a shining star upon the highest bough ♪ ♪ and have yourself a merry
6:22 pm
little christmas... now ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: james corden, "into the woods," and the late late show. late show. ♪ ♪ break the ice, late show. with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers.
6:23 pm
i see stin their hands.s faces. in their eyes. people tell me stories without saying one word. so i listen. then i give it back. what are you chasing? hennessy. never stop. never settle. fini did, thanks.k? (beep) (beep) (beep) (confused) honey, you won't believe...
6:24 pm
you were supposed to be out shopping. it went super quick. happy birthday?! with apple pay, using your wells fargo card just got easier. ilists and checking them twice.g this year we've been at the top of more awards list than any other car company... during the chevy year end event we hope to be put on yours. now during the chevy year end event, get the best offer of the year on this 2015 chevy malibu. find new roads at your local chevy dealer.
6:25 pm
and an xperia smart phoneon 4 and a roof. and you want to play playstation 4, on your phone, on your roof. then you can get on your playstation 4, and get on your phone and your roof on your phone. ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report"! good night, everybody! (cheers aptioning sponsored by comedy central
6:26 pm
captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org december 9, 2014. from comedy central world view in new york, it is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. my guests tonight, kathryn bigelow and juan zarate to talk about the illegal ivory trade. but we begin tonight with big news out of washington. >> the world is bracing for the release of the senate c.i.a. torture report. this is going to be a very big deal. >> jon: it's a big deal!
left
right